CHAPTER 11
A snake came slithering through the sand on its way to a half dead prairie dog that had accidentally been dropped from the talons of an eagle. The eagle was circling back to retrieve its kill when it saw the snake.
"No, sir," said the eagle to itself. "No you will not." The eagle swooped down as fast as it could, and the snake saw him coming.
"Not today," the snake thought to himself. "Not in this life." He slithered faster. Here in the badlands of the West, mother nature’s cruel heart unfolded in a race against time’s cold hands, against death’s icy grasp, against fate’s frigid cock. Who would reach the half dead prairie dog first? Would it be the snake?
"Not today," the snake thought.
Would it be the eagle?
"No, sir."
And what of the prairie dog? What was it thinking?
"Spine severed… oozing neck… not gonna’ make it…"
The snake reached the prairie dog and reared up on his tail, ready to strike. He expanded his neck thing so as to appear larger and more menacing. The eagle soared in; talons like sabers; beak like two curved yellow knives with nostrils.
The snake struck!
The eagle slashed!
There was a collision and then, in a pile, was a snake, an eagle, and a half dead prairie dog, all unconscious from the impact and all dead, even the half dead prairie dog. There are no winners in the West. Only death, lust, heat, and ten gallon hats o’ blood.
And landing on the pile of road kill was one shiny space craft carrying ten Goobeldeesnarkoos and Sniff-snacky, a glob of inert jelly.
"We have landed," said Gorp-Da. He was about four feet tall, furry, had four legs, and resembled a deer. Sniff-snacky undulated with delight. His two eyes, suspended in his clear gelatinous mass, rolled back and forth.
"Sniff-snacky, here begins our new life. We shall kill all the gorillas, beginning with the leader, and take over the earth for our very own. I am so proud." Sniff-snacky blobbed up and down with excitement. "With my superior knowledge and strength, combined with your confusing manner, the apes will crumble beneath our awesome power." Gorp-Da extended his tongue from between his deer-like lips and had a lick of Sniff-snacky who tasted like salt. "Mmmm," he said, as Sniff-snacky stopped bouncing and gazed up in astonishment. "Yes, we shall crush them with our might. The glory shall be ours. May we revel in the glory for all time to come. The glory! Yes, the glory!" He had another lick. "Delicious." Sniff-snacky attempted to back away from the licking, but could only wobble in place. He was getting nervous.
"Yes," said Gorp-Da, "our destiny is fulfilled. This is our time. As foretold in the book of Dinky Dork Dock Dirk-Bah, we shall triumph. All praise Hank Honk Plink Pus, the great God of Clink Xorki." He licked Sniff-snacky again, and an eye came out. "This IS delicious," said Gorp-Da, and he continued to lick and lick until Sniff-snacky was no more.
"Very well," he said. "Let us begin our attack." He pressed a yellow button on his space ship control panel, and a hatch opened. Then, out came a small herd of Goobeldeesnarkoos, ready to do battle with the inhabitants of earth. They galloped toward the town of Flatsacks; onto glory; onto victory; onto destiny; and onto, especially, the glory.
But galloping toward them was the most fearsome band of outlaws in the West.
"What’s that, coming at us?" asked Ed Cracky.
"Look like a herd of cattle to me," replied Reddog "Bluedog" Yellowdog.
"Well," said Arthur "No Balls Hanging" McGillicutty, "What are we gonna’ do about it?" They all turned to their leader, Ed Cracky. He thought for a moment, and then he pulled out his rope.
"Let’s round ‘em up!"
"YEEEEEHAAAAW!" They shouted, and then they rode; the guts and mutton of Farlo "Old Midget With One Leg" Gimp dragging behind.
In the meantime, Gorp-Da started the space craft and rose several hundred feet for an aerial view of the great invasion of earth. But what he saw instead was his entire strike force roped, tied, and on their backs. "Trouble!" he said. "These apes are far superior to our ferocious butting horns. I must return to Goobeldeesnarkoo in shame. This is not glory, this is shame. Shame. Shame oh shame." And then he began to cry as he maneuvered the space craft out of orbit and into a meteor, redirecting it from earth impact, which would have ended all life on the planet as we know it. The redirected meteor eventually found its way to planet, Goobeldeesnarkoo, where it ended all life there as they knew it. And Gorp-Da?
He died.
In mourning for their lost compatriot, Farlo "Guts and Mutton" Gimp, the gang fucked all the deer and then ate them.
The Prairie Dog Poem
sometimes a little critter gets-ah
in-ah fix an' dies
like the prairie dog o' Flatsacks
who had fortune in his eyes
but he came upon an eagle
and the eagle got him good
broke his back with talons
well, that eagle got him good
but the eagle dropped the critter
and the critter he dropped too
dropped on his neck what hit a rock
and from it came some goo
now the snake he was a slitherin'
'long the holy path o' sand
when he seen that dog uh-fallin'
thought he'd give that dog a hand
by to kill it with his pointy teeth an'
squeeze it 'till it die
but the eagle was uh-divin'
for to get himself a prairie dog pie
well them two fellers
both the eagle and the snake
was too quick to catch a meal
and they made a big mistake
they run into each other and they
knocked themselves clean out
see that's what you git fer thinkin'
with yer eyes and not yer snout
then a space ship landed on them all
and took them mothers out
then the buzzards came and picked the bones
because they thinkin' with they snout
buzzards came and picked the bones
because they thinkin' with they snout
A snake came slithering through the sand on its way to a half dead prairie dog that had accidentally been dropped from the talons of an eagle. The eagle was circling back to retrieve its kill when it saw the snake.
"No, sir," said the eagle to itself. "No you will not." The eagle swooped down as fast as it could, and the snake saw him coming.
"Not today," the snake thought to himself. "Not in this life." He slithered faster. Here in the badlands of the West, mother nature’s cruel heart unfolded in a race against time’s cold hands, against death’s icy grasp, against fate’s frigid cock. Who would reach the half dead prairie dog first? Would it be the snake?
"Not today," the snake thought.
Would it be the eagle?
"No, sir."
And what of the prairie dog? What was it thinking?
"Spine severed… oozing neck… not gonna’ make it…"
The snake reached the prairie dog and reared up on his tail, ready to strike. He expanded his neck thing so as to appear larger and more menacing. The eagle soared in; talons like sabers; beak like two curved yellow knives with nostrils.
The snake struck!
The eagle slashed!
There was a collision and then, in a pile, was a snake, an eagle, and a half dead prairie dog, all unconscious from the impact and all dead, even the half dead prairie dog. There are no winners in the West. Only death, lust, heat, and ten gallon hats o’ blood.
And landing on the pile of road kill was one shiny space craft carrying ten Goobeldeesnarkoos and Sniff-snacky, a glob of inert jelly.
"We have landed," said Gorp-Da. He was about four feet tall, furry, had four legs, and resembled a deer. Sniff-snacky undulated with delight. His two eyes, suspended in his clear gelatinous mass, rolled back and forth.
"Sniff-snacky, here begins our new life. We shall kill all the gorillas, beginning with the leader, and take over the earth for our very own. I am so proud." Sniff-snacky blobbed up and down with excitement. "With my superior knowledge and strength, combined with your confusing manner, the apes will crumble beneath our awesome power." Gorp-Da extended his tongue from between his deer-like lips and had a lick of Sniff-snacky who tasted like salt. "Mmmm," he said, as Sniff-snacky stopped bouncing and gazed up in astonishment. "Yes, we shall crush them with our might. The glory shall be ours. May we revel in the glory for all time to come. The glory! Yes, the glory!" He had another lick. "Delicious." Sniff-snacky attempted to back away from the licking, but could only wobble in place. He was getting nervous.
"Yes," said Gorp-Da, "our destiny is fulfilled. This is our time. As foretold in the book of Dinky Dork Dock Dirk-Bah, we shall triumph. All praise Hank Honk Plink Pus, the great God of Clink Xorki." He licked Sniff-snacky again, and an eye came out. "This IS delicious," said Gorp-Da, and he continued to lick and lick until Sniff-snacky was no more.
"Very well," he said. "Let us begin our attack." He pressed a yellow button on his space ship control panel, and a hatch opened. Then, out came a small herd of Goobeldeesnarkoos, ready to do battle with the inhabitants of earth. They galloped toward the town of Flatsacks; onto glory; onto victory; onto destiny; and onto, especially, the glory.
But galloping toward them was the most fearsome band of outlaws in the West.
"What’s that, coming at us?" asked Ed Cracky.
"Look like a herd of cattle to me," replied Reddog "Bluedog" Yellowdog.
"Well," said Arthur "No Balls Hanging" McGillicutty, "What are we gonna’ do about it?" They all turned to their leader, Ed Cracky. He thought for a moment, and then he pulled out his rope.
"Let’s round ‘em up!"
"YEEEEEHAAAAW!" They shouted, and then they rode; the guts and mutton of Farlo "Old Midget With One Leg" Gimp dragging behind.
In the meantime, Gorp-Da started the space craft and rose several hundred feet for an aerial view of the great invasion of earth. But what he saw instead was his entire strike force roped, tied, and on their backs. "Trouble!" he said. "These apes are far superior to our ferocious butting horns. I must return to Goobeldeesnarkoo in shame. This is not glory, this is shame. Shame. Shame oh shame." And then he began to cry as he maneuvered the space craft out of orbit and into a meteor, redirecting it from earth impact, which would have ended all life on the planet as we know it. The redirected meteor eventually found its way to planet, Goobeldeesnarkoo, where it ended all life there as they knew it. And Gorp-Da?
He died.
In mourning for their lost compatriot, Farlo "Guts and Mutton" Gimp, the gang fucked all the deer and then ate them.
The Prairie Dog Poem
sometimes a little critter gets-ah
in-ah fix an' dies
like the prairie dog o' Flatsacks
who had fortune in his eyes
but he came upon an eagle
and the eagle got him good
broke his back with talons
well, that eagle got him good
but the eagle dropped the critter
and the critter he dropped too
dropped on his neck what hit a rock
and from it came some goo
now the snake he was a slitherin'
'long the holy path o' sand
when he seen that dog uh-fallin'
thought he'd give that dog a hand
by to kill it with his pointy teeth an'
squeeze it 'till it die
but the eagle was uh-divin'
for to get himself a prairie dog pie
well them two fellers
both the eagle and the snake
was too quick to catch a meal
and they made a big mistake
they run into each other and they
knocked themselves clean out
see that's what you git fer thinkin'
with yer eyes and not yer snout
then a space ship landed on them all
and took them mothers out
then the buzzards came and picked the bones
because they thinkin' with they snout
buzzards came and picked the bones
because they thinkin' with they snout