CHAPTER 20
The Ballad of Ed and Clodstopper
Bad Ed Cracky came to town
the sheriff for to see
He had his guns and had his knife
and had his flask o’ whiskey
Grizzard the rip had just been named
the Flatsacks deputy
He told the sheriff he would go
and stop old Ed Crack-y
They met in town on the dusty road
and each one aimed their gun
Grizzard the Rip let fly a thunderous
fart that darkened the sun
But Cracky was a wise one and he
had a mean surprise
His ass had gas and he was fast
he let his own fart fly
The stink was so unbearable
the flowers wilted and died
and Grizzard the Rip was bested
as the fumes irritated his eyes
He gasped for air but none was there
and he began to cry
He fell down dead and never came back to life
although he tried
And now with nothing and nobody
standing in the way
Cracky called out for the sheriff
"Come outside and play!"
Ed was ready for a fight but
what a fight he got
from Sheriff Useless P. Clodstopper
The "P" stands for Pickalottacumswatch
Useless walked along the road
his hand tight on his gun
He’d had enough of Western stuff
his whore was dead and that was enough
to fuel his fire for revenge
and kill Ed Cracky like a door hinge
Would you like to eat an orange?
Fine Rhine wine from…
Spain?
They stopped and stared each other down
their trigger fingers itchy
The townsfolk watched the drama
and the whores were getting bitchy
A terrible silence filled the air and
nary a bird was flying
It would only be ten seconds
before one or the other was dying
They reached— they drew
and fired two and both men were still standing
Nobody knew whom had shot whom
because both men were standing
and as I have said before
both the men were standing
Let me say it once again
that both the men were standing
Cracky made a funny face
his balls began to tingle
He fell face first into the dust
and worms began to mingle
and the best piano player ever in the West
fell down dead because he had a bullet in his chest
You see, Ed Cracky was a fearsome villain of some fame
but for all his evil deeds he had pathetic aim
Then the sheriff put his smoking gun back in his pocket
Without a word he walked away— he walked into the sunset
Without a word he walked away
He
walked
into
the
sunset
The Ballad of Ed and Clodstopper
Bad Ed Cracky came to town
the sheriff for to see
He had his guns and had his knife
and had his flask o’ whiskey
Grizzard the rip had just been named
the Flatsacks deputy
He told the sheriff he would go
and stop old Ed Crack-y
They met in town on the dusty road
and each one aimed their gun
Grizzard the Rip let fly a thunderous
fart that darkened the sun
But Cracky was a wise one and he
had a mean surprise
His ass had gas and he was fast
he let his own fart fly
The stink was so unbearable
the flowers wilted and died
and Grizzard the Rip was bested
as the fumes irritated his eyes
He gasped for air but none was there
and he began to cry
He fell down dead and never came back to life
although he tried
And now with nothing and nobody
standing in the way
Cracky called out for the sheriff
"Come outside and play!"
Ed was ready for a fight but
what a fight he got
from Sheriff Useless P. Clodstopper
The "P" stands for Pickalottacumswatch
Useless walked along the road
his hand tight on his gun
He’d had enough of Western stuff
his whore was dead and that was enough
to fuel his fire for revenge
and kill Ed Cracky like a door hinge
Would you like to eat an orange?
Fine Rhine wine from…
Spain?
They stopped and stared each other down
their trigger fingers itchy
The townsfolk watched the drama
and the whores were getting bitchy
A terrible silence filled the air and
nary a bird was flying
It would only be ten seconds
before one or the other was dying
They reached— they drew
and fired two and both men were still standing
Nobody knew whom had shot whom
because both men were standing
and as I have said before
both the men were standing
Let me say it once again
that both the men were standing
Cracky made a funny face
his balls began to tingle
He fell face first into the dust
and worms began to mingle
and the best piano player ever in the West
fell down dead because he had a bullet in his chest
You see, Ed Cracky was a fearsome villain of some fame
but for all his evil deeds he had pathetic aim
Then the sheriff put his smoking gun back in his pocket
Without a word he walked away— he walked into the sunset
Without a word he walked away
He
walked
into
the
sunset